from the department of whooey
Jul. 1st, 2017 06:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mr_squiddleEXT. COUNTRYSIDE
SCOTSMAN
I'll not interrupt this stock Moffat switch-up opening for a pound.
TITLES: DOCTOR WHO — THE DOCTOR FALLS (AND THEN RISES AND WOE TO THE WICKED, BUT NOT UNTIL CHRISTMAS)
EXT. URBAN HELLSCAPE — ROOFTOP
MISSY and the MASTER are here. The DOCTOR is here, TIED TO A CHAIR.
DOCTOR
No, no, I recognize this, this scene is from Discorded Whooves, and I decline to participate in re-creations of fanfic.
MASTER
But I love Discorded Whooves! It's more RTD than RTD!
DOCTOR
Nnnnnope. By the way, I reprogrammed the Cybermen to consider Time Lords human, so your whole army is on its way up here to upgrade us.
MASTER
When the smeg did you do that?
DOCTOR
File that alongside "How did the Master survive?" and "Doctor who?"
MISSY
(peering over the side of the building)
Not to mention "Where'd they get the battering rams?"
MASTER
How come nobody ever asks "Master who?"
MISSY
They get as far as "Mas" and you use the Tissue Compression Eliminator on them.
MASTER
Oh, yeah.
DOCTOR
I say again, they're coming! And you both know there's only one thing that can destroy that many Cybermen!
MISSY
One Dalek?
DOCTOR
...besides that!
MASTER
One Raston Warrior Robot?
DOCTOR
...besides that!
MISSY
The Rani?
MASTER
A Toclafane?
DOCTOR
...You know what, forget it, just forget it.
THE DOCTOR SLOUCHES INTO HIS CHAIR AND SULKS.
MASTER
Oh, all right — you.
MISSY
Please, Doctor, saaaaaave uuuuuus.
DOCTOR
Nope, nope, the moment's passed.
BILL
STOP. WHINGING. DOC. TOR.
DOCTOR
Bill! I forgot all about you.
BILL.
A. GAIN.
DOCTOR
Er...yes. Sorry about that, Bill.
BILL
I. AM. NO. LONGER. BILL.
DOCTOR
Rub it in, why don't you?
BILL
I. AM. A. HYBRID. CALL. ME. CYBILL.
DOCTOR
Right. Okay. Rescuing time!
WITH A GREAT ROAR OF ENGINES NARDIL ARRIVES IN A RUNABOUT.
NARDIL
Wa-hey! All aboard!
EVERYONE GETS ON BOARD THE RUNABOUT A LA LAST HELICOPTER OUT OF SAIGON.
DOCTOR
Now to solve all our problems!
HE USES THE RUNABOUT'S LASER GATLING GUN TO SHOOT A WHACKING GREAT HOLE IN THE SPACESHIP WALL.
ALL THE CYBERMEN ARE BLOWN INTO SPACE.
THE DOCTOR FLIES THE RUNABOUT THROUGH THE HOLE AND THEN UP TO THE BRIDGE END OF THE CYLINDRICAL SPACESHIP.
CUT TO:
INT. BRIDGE
EVERYONE EMERGES FROM THE AIRLOCK.
DOCTOR
Now, what's next on the agenda? Converting Bill back into a human? That'll take about five minutes in the TARDIS medical bay, unless of course—
MASTER & MISSY
Ahem!
DOCTOR
Oh, right, get on with it you two.
MISSY AND THE MASTER STAB EACH OTHER IN THE BACK AND FALL DOWN STONE DEAD BUT NOT BEFORE THE MASTER ESCAPES INTO THE TURBOLIFT.
DOCTOR
(facepalms)
Seriously? Just get up right now, Missy, you know damn well you're not dead. This show doesn't work that way.
MISSY GETS UP AND THE MASTER COMES IN FROM THE TURBOLIFT.
DOCTOR
Now, what do we call scenes like that?
MASTER
Bo-
MISSY
-ring!
DOCTOR
...Right. Now do it properly.
MISSY clouts the MASTER over the HEAD and then SHOOTS HIM until he REGENERATES.
MISSY #2
Oh, my head! What just happened?
MISSY
No, that's what's going to happen next. Rar. What number am I thinking of?
DISSOLVE TO: SAME LOCATION
CAPTION: TWENTY MINUTES LATER
NEITHER MISSY IS ANYWHERE TO BE SEEN but the TARDIS is ROCKING BACK AND FORTH in the BACKGROUND.
The TURBOLIFT OPENS and STEVEN MOFFAT BURSTS IN.
STEVEN MOFFAT
HEEL FACE DOOR SLAM NO JUTSU!
DOCTOR
Too late.
STEVEN MOFFAT
No! No!
HE BEGINS POUNDING ON THE TARDIS DOOR.
STEVEN MOFFAT
Get out here! Redemption equals death! Redemption equals death!
THE TARDIS DOOR OPENS A CRACK. A HAND EMERGES WIELDING A SCREWDRIVER LIKE DEVICE THAT REDUCES STEVEN MOFFAT TO A SIX INCH DOLL.
STEVEN MOFFAT
(squeaky)
No! No! It was going to be brilliant! Chibnall could run with Master, interstitial Master, evil Missy, reformed Missy, a regenerated evil Missy, a regenerated good Missy, a pre-Delgado Master or all seven at once! Anything would be possible!
CYBILL
MEN. NEVER. COMMIT.
DOCTOR
That reminds, me, what am I forgetting? No, wait, what's that comma doing there? Is it a typo or a tribute to the Shatneresque pauses I've been doing?
CYBILL
A. HEM.
DOCTOR
Sorry, I forgot again. Hang on a tick.
HE LOOKS TO THE TARDIS. It is still ROCKING. There is a STOCKING hanging through its HANDLE.
DOCTOR
What, still? I wonder if I should knock four times?
MISSY
(muffled)
Cut off the lights and call the law!
DOCTOR
Okay, plan B.
There is a DING from every TURBOLIFT DOOR. When they OPEN (GRAMS: "Sleepy Shores") the ENTIRE ORIGINAL CREW OF THE SHIP enters the BRIDGE, along with TWO ROBOTS.
CAPTAIN
'sup, D?
DOCTOR
Yo.
The CAPTAIN walks over to CYBILL and POKES HER IN THE CHEST. With a SILVERY RIPPLING EFFECT CYBILL TURNS HUMAN AGAIN.
CYBILL
Woo! How'd that happen?
DOCTOR
When I used your connection to the cyber-neural network to hack the Cybermen, I didn't just hack them into considering Time Lords human, I hacked them into upgrading themselves to the point of being indistinguishable from human beings. Remember how you told me about TERMINATOR?
CYBILL
Oh, we're all sympathomimetic liquid metal except for the brain?
DOCTOR
Exactly! Computronium: completely human in every way that matters, but better! Faster, stronger...
TWO ROBOTS
Harder?
DOCTOR
(ultrablandly)
On demand.
The TARDIS STOPS ROCKING. A MISSY STICKS HER HEAD OUT THE DOOR.
MISSY
Wait a minute! You blew all the Cybermen out into space!
DOCTOR
They had rocket feet, remember?
MISSY
So NOBODY died?! The fans will never forgive you. You know they hate Doctor Who without mass death. I swear, they make me look like Mr Rogers.
DOCTOR
Redact the fans.
CAPTAIN
I have now set this Tipler cylinder spaceship on full rotate, and we will shortly be using the resulting causality violations to convert all Cybermen in Doctor Who.
MISSY
You need negative energy for that.
CAPTAIN
We've got a Weeping Angel in the glove box.
DOCTOR
Splendid! But no naughty converting all life forms in the Universe into computronium forms indistinguishable from their originals.
CAPTAIN
Absolutely no naughty conversions. Pinkie Promise.
DOCTOR
Now, what's left of the agenda?
CYBILL
Well, you did give me a 67% on my last paper...
DOCTOR
Yeah, that was what I got on my last exam at the Time Lord Academy. You pass, there's nothing more I can teach you. Now...
A WILD DEUS EX MACHINA APPEARS!
STEVEN MOFFAT
(squeaky)
People kept calling me M. Night Shyamalan, so here she is: LADY IN THE WATER!
DRIPPING WET GIRL, aka DWG*
(posing like "Venus On The Half Shell")
♩ Coooooome with me...toooooo the sea...ooooooof...looooooooooove...
MISSY
Speaking of honeydripping...
SHE RETURNS TO THE TARDIS. ROCKING RESUMES.
DOCTOR
Off you pop, Cybill!
CYBILL
Cool!! But, you know, I could have done this in the premiere and you talked me out of it.
STEVEN MOFFAT
(squeaky)
It wasn't easy padding this series out to twelve episodes, you know! I mean, I ran out of ideas in 2010!
CYBILL and DWG do the DECKER/ILIA THING and DISAPPARATE INTO THE BLACK HOLE SUNSET leaving the DOCTOR ALONE ON THE BRIDGE (except for the BRIDGE CREW).
DOCTOR
(collapsing into a chair)
It's over! Three ghastly, wretched, horrible, stupid years, but at last, it's all over!
FX: VWORP VWORP, but NOT from the DOCTOR'S TARDIS.
DOCTOR
Surely you can't be serious.
STEVEN MOFFAT
(squeaky)
I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.
A BATTERED OLD (BUT TECHNICALLY NEWER) TARDIS APPEARS ON THE BRIDGE. ITS DOORS OPEN AND SOMEONE COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED STICKS HIS HEAD OUT!
FIRST DOCTOR
What did you say, my boy? It's all over? It's all over, that's what you said. No, but it isn't all over! It's far from being all over! Come along, young man, we've got a Christmas Special to do!!
THE DOCTOR FALLS ON HIS KNEES.
DOCTOR
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—
BLACKOUT.
DOCTOR
(cont'd)
—OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—
CAPTION: NEXT TIME
FIRST DOCTOR
Look, young man! No Man's Land, Christmas 1917! You know, with the footy between enemies!
SOLDIER
1914!
FIRST DOCTOR
Not when I get done with it.
DOCTOR
—OOOOOOOH if only I were still Matt Smith so I could get my knees in. Maybe he'll be the surprise guest star...
_____
* In Welsh, "dwg" means both various forms of "transport" as well as "steal". Oh, and "give birth to".
SCOTSMAN
I'll not interrupt this stock Moffat switch-up opening for a pound.
TITLES: DOCTOR WHO — THE DOCTOR FALLS (AND THEN RISES AND WOE TO THE WICKED, BUT NOT UNTIL CHRISTMAS)
EXT. URBAN HELLSCAPE — ROOFTOP
MISSY and the MASTER are here. The DOCTOR is here, TIED TO A CHAIR.
DOCTOR
No, no, I recognize this, this scene is from Discorded Whooves, and I decline to participate in re-creations of fanfic.
MASTER
But I love Discorded Whooves! It's more RTD than RTD!
DOCTOR
Nnnnnope. By the way, I reprogrammed the Cybermen to consider Time Lords human, so your whole army is on its way up here to upgrade us.
MASTER
When the smeg did you do that?
DOCTOR
File that alongside "How did the Master survive?" and "Doctor who?"
MISSY
(peering over the side of the building)
Not to mention "Where'd they get the battering rams?"
MASTER
How come nobody ever asks "Master who?"
MISSY
They get as far as "Mas" and you use the Tissue Compression Eliminator on them.
MASTER
Oh, yeah.
DOCTOR
I say again, they're coming! And you both know there's only one thing that can destroy that many Cybermen!
MISSY
One Dalek?
DOCTOR
...besides that!
MASTER
One Raston Warrior Robot?
DOCTOR
...besides that!
MISSY
The Rani?
MASTER
A Toclafane?
DOCTOR
...You know what, forget it, just forget it.
THE DOCTOR SLOUCHES INTO HIS CHAIR AND SULKS.
MASTER
Oh, all right — you.
MISSY
Please, Doctor, saaaaaave uuuuuus.
DOCTOR
Nope, nope, the moment's passed.
BILL
STOP. WHINGING. DOC. TOR.
DOCTOR
Bill! I forgot all about you.
BILL.
A. GAIN.
DOCTOR
Er...yes. Sorry about that, Bill.
BILL
I. AM. NO. LONGER. BILL.
DOCTOR
Rub it in, why don't you?
BILL
I. AM. A. HYBRID. CALL. ME. CYBILL.
DOCTOR
Right. Okay. Rescuing time!
WITH A GREAT ROAR OF ENGINES NARDIL ARRIVES IN A RUNABOUT.
NARDIL
Wa-hey! All aboard!
EVERYONE GETS ON BOARD THE RUNABOUT A LA LAST HELICOPTER OUT OF SAIGON.
DOCTOR
Now to solve all our problems!
HE USES THE RUNABOUT'S LASER GATLING GUN TO SHOOT A WHACKING GREAT HOLE IN THE SPACESHIP WALL.
ALL THE CYBERMEN ARE BLOWN INTO SPACE.
THE DOCTOR FLIES THE RUNABOUT THROUGH THE HOLE AND THEN UP TO THE BRIDGE END OF THE CYLINDRICAL SPACESHIP.
CUT TO:
INT. BRIDGE
EVERYONE EMERGES FROM THE AIRLOCK.
DOCTOR
Now, what's next on the agenda? Converting Bill back into a human? That'll take about five minutes in the TARDIS medical bay, unless of course—
MASTER & MISSY
Ahem!
DOCTOR
Oh, right, get on with it you two.
MISSY AND THE MASTER STAB EACH OTHER IN THE BACK AND FALL DOWN STONE DEAD BUT NOT BEFORE THE MASTER ESCAPES INTO THE TURBOLIFT.
DOCTOR
(facepalms)
Seriously? Just get up right now, Missy, you know damn well you're not dead. This show doesn't work that way.
MISSY GETS UP AND THE MASTER COMES IN FROM THE TURBOLIFT.
DOCTOR
Now, what do we call scenes like that?
MASTER
Bo-
MISSY
-ring!
DOCTOR
...Right. Now do it properly.
MISSY clouts the MASTER over the HEAD and then SHOOTS HIM until he REGENERATES.
MISSY #2
Oh, my head! What just happened?
MISSY
No, that's what's going to happen next. Rar. What number am I thinking of?
DISSOLVE TO: SAME LOCATION
CAPTION: TWENTY MINUTES LATER
NEITHER MISSY IS ANYWHERE TO BE SEEN but the TARDIS is ROCKING BACK AND FORTH in the BACKGROUND.
The TURBOLIFT OPENS and STEVEN MOFFAT BURSTS IN.
STEVEN MOFFAT
HEEL FACE DOOR SLAM NO JUTSU!
DOCTOR
Too late.
STEVEN MOFFAT
No! No!
HE BEGINS POUNDING ON THE TARDIS DOOR.
STEVEN MOFFAT
Get out here! Redemption equals death! Redemption equals death!
THE TARDIS DOOR OPENS A CRACK. A HAND EMERGES WIELDING A SCREWDRIVER LIKE DEVICE THAT REDUCES STEVEN MOFFAT TO A SIX INCH DOLL.
STEVEN MOFFAT
(squeaky)
No! No! It was going to be brilliant! Chibnall could run with Master, interstitial Master, evil Missy, reformed Missy, a regenerated evil Missy, a regenerated good Missy, a pre-Delgado Master or all seven at once! Anything would be possible!
CYBILL
MEN. NEVER. COMMIT.
DOCTOR
That reminds, me, what am I forgetting? No, wait, what's that comma doing there? Is it a typo or a tribute to the Shatneresque pauses I've been doing?
CYBILL
A. HEM.
DOCTOR
Sorry, I forgot again. Hang on a tick.
HE LOOKS TO THE TARDIS. It is still ROCKING. There is a STOCKING hanging through its HANDLE.
DOCTOR
What, still? I wonder if I should knock four times?
MISSY
(muffled)
Cut off the lights and call the law!
DOCTOR
Okay, plan B.
There is a DING from every TURBOLIFT DOOR. When they OPEN (GRAMS: "Sleepy Shores") the ENTIRE ORIGINAL CREW OF THE SHIP enters the BRIDGE, along with TWO ROBOTS.
CAPTAIN
'sup, D?
DOCTOR
Yo.
The CAPTAIN walks over to CYBILL and POKES HER IN THE CHEST. With a SILVERY RIPPLING EFFECT CYBILL TURNS HUMAN AGAIN.
CYBILL
Woo! How'd that happen?
DOCTOR
When I used your connection to the cyber-neural network to hack the Cybermen, I didn't just hack them into considering Time Lords human, I hacked them into upgrading themselves to the point of being indistinguishable from human beings. Remember how you told me about TERMINATOR?
CYBILL
Oh, we're all sympathomimetic liquid metal except for the brain?
DOCTOR
Exactly! Computronium: completely human in every way that matters, but better! Faster, stronger...
TWO ROBOTS
Harder?
DOCTOR
(ultrablandly)
On demand.
The TARDIS STOPS ROCKING. A MISSY STICKS HER HEAD OUT THE DOOR.
MISSY
Wait a minute! You blew all the Cybermen out into space!
DOCTOR
They had rocket feet, remember?
MISSY
So NOBODY died?! The fans will never forgive you. You know they hate Doctor Who without mass death. I swear, they make me look like Mr Rogers.
DOCTOR
Redact the fans.
CAPTAIN
I have now set this Tipler cylinder spaceship on full rotate, and we will shortly be using the resulting causality violations to convert all Cybermen in Doctor Who.
MISSY
You need negative energy for that.
CAPTAIN
We've got a Weeping Angel in the glove box.
DOCTOR
Splendid! But no naughty converting all life forms in the Universe into computronium forms indistinguishable from their originals.
CAPTAIN
Absolutely no naughty conversions. Pinkie Promise.
DOCTOR
Now, what's left of the agenda?
CYBILL
Well, you did give me a 67% on my last paper...
DOCTOR
Yeah, that was what I got on my last exam at the Time Lord Academy. You pass, there's nothing more I can teach you. Now...
A WILD DEUS EX MACHINA APPEARS!
STEVEN MOFFAT
(squeaky)
People kept calling me M. Night Shyamalan, so here she is: LADY IN THE WATER!
DRIPPING WET GIRL, aka DWG*
(posing like "Venus On The Half Shell")
♩ Coooooome with me...toooooo the sea...ooooooof...looooooooooove...
MISSY
Speaking of honeydripping...
SHE RETURNS TO THE TARDIS. ROCKING RESUMES.
DOCTOR
Off you pop, Cybill!
CYBILL
Cool!! But, you know, I could have done this in the premiere and you talked me out of it.
STEVEN MOFFAT
(squeaky)
It wasn't easy padding this series out to twelve episodes, you know! I mean, I ran out of ideas in 2010!
CYBILL and DWG do the DECKER/ILIA THING and DISAPPARATE INTO THE BLACK HOLE SUNSET leaving the DOCTOR ALONE ON THE BRIDGE (except for the BRIDGE CREW).
DOCTOR
(collapsing into a chair)
It's over! Three ghastly, wretched, horrible, stupid years, but at last, it's all over!
FX: VWORP VWORP, but NOT from the DOCTOR'S TARDIS.
DOCTOR
Surely you can't be serious.
STEVEN MOFFAT
(squeaky)
I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.
A BATTERED OLD (BUT TECHNICALLY NEWER) TARDIS APPEARS ON THE BRIDGE. ITS DOORS OPEN AND SOMEONE COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED STICKS HIS HEAD OUT!
FIRST DOCTOR
What did you say, my boy? It's all over? It's all over, that's what you said. No, but it isn't all over! It's far from being all over! Come along, young man, we've got a Christmas Special to do!!
THE DOCTOR FALLS ON HIS KNEES.
DOCTOR
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—
BLACKOUT.
DOCTOR
(cont'd)
—OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—
CAPTION: NEXT TIME
FIRST DOCTOR
Look, young man! No Man's Land, Christmas 1917! You know, with the footy between enemies!
SOLDIER
1914!
FIRST DOCTOR
Not when I get done with it.
DOCTOR
—OOOOOOOH if only I were still Matt Smith so I could get my knees in. Maybe he'll be the surprise guest star...
_____
* In Welsh, "dwg" means both various forms of "transport" as well as "steal". Oh, and "give birth to".
