from the department of whooey

[mr_squiddle]

EXT. HOTH

The TARDIS is here. The DOCTOR steps out and FALLS TO HIS KNEES.

DOCTOR
Wrong. EPISODE! NOOOOOOOOOOO!


TITLES - DOCTOR WHO — THE WIZARD OF OZ AND TIME


EXT. SPACE

The USS JJ ABRAMS, a Panamanian ship out of Caracas that took a wrong turn at Albuquerque, is backing out of a GARGANTUAN BLACK HOLE.

THE USS JJ ABRAMS
Beeep...beeep...beeep...beeep...


CUT TO:

INT. BRIDGE

The TARDIS is here. MISSY steps out, twirling her SONIC UMBRELLA, followed by BILL and NARDIL.

MISSY
Hello, I'm Clara Oswald. And these are my plucky assistants, Rassilon and the Other. We're from the government, we're here to help.

RED LIGHTS FLASH as a DUBSTEP ALARM begins to SOUND.

MISSY
That's my JAM!

She throws aside her UMBRELLA and begins TWERKING.

DOCTOR
(o/s)
I'm not entirely sure you're taking this seriously.

MISSY
Oh, Doctor, this is a time honored technique called reverse bathos.

A NEARBY DOOR OPENS and a BLUE ALIEN TYPE steps out. He immediately BLOWS A HOLE THROUGH BILL with his BFG.

BILL
...ow...

NARDIL
Holy plot, Batman! Oh, wait, hole-y? that was definitely a "too soon".

MISSY
(peering through the perfectly round hole)
If this girl were a little more square this would be soooo alchemical.

The DOCTOR bursts out of the TARDIS.

DOCTOR
WHAT THE SMEGGING FECK DID YOU DO THAT FOR?

BLUE ALIEN TYPE
...It was a mercy killing!

DOCTOR
Oh, well, that's all right then.

The DOCTOR rushes over to BILL.

DOCTOR
Bill! Listen to me! We can fix this! I promise you — we can, almost certainly, get you a stud to fit that piercing!

BILL
...dun't want a stud...'m gay...want...Trixie Lulamoon...

BILL FALLS DOWN STONE DEAD.

BLUE ALIEN TYPE
Don't worry, they won't take her now that she's dead.

ALL THE TURBOLIFTS OPEN and TOTALLY BANDAGED PEOPLE come in dragging IV DRIP STANDS.

TOTALLY BANDAGED PERSON #1
(via pre-recorded voice samples)
ONLY. MOSTLY. DEAD.

BLUE ALIEN TYPE
Stand aside! They'll snap you in half and then Sellotape the halves together!

THE TOTALLY BANDAGED PEOPLE MAKE OFF WITH BILL. The DOCTOR FOLLOWS HER TO THE TURBOLIFT.

DOCTOR
Bill. My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts. WAIT FOR ME.

MISSY
(chuckles)
Oh, that never ends well, does it?

With BILL ABOARD, the TURBOLIFT drops like a ROCKET-POWERED STONE.

DOCTOR
(picking BAT up by the THROAT)
I reiterate: WHAT THE SMEGGING FECK DID YOU DO THAT FOR?

BAT
(gurgling)
This is a — consular ship. We're on a — diplomatic — mission. Six light years out of Altair IV we struck a gravitic mine and lost all power. By the time the engineers got the generators back on line we were plunging into a black hole. Dr. Reinhardt and the engineers went down to reverse the polarity of the beryllium sphere — and never came back!

MISSY
Consular ship? It's 400 miles long.

BAT
We're very diplomatic.

DOCTOR
(eating crisps with his free hand)
Exciting! What happened next?

BAT
Children with blond hair and glowing eyes came streaming out of the turbolifts and made off with all the humans on board. They left me alone.

DOCTOR
(sipping Nozz-A-La Cola with an invisible hand)
And then what?

BAT
Nothing.

DOCTOR
And the reason you killed Bill?

BAT
(scratching his head)
Err...

QUENTIN TARANTINO
You're not supposed to do that until part two, by the way.

STEVEN MOFFAT
That's what everyone was expecting!

BAT
...OH MY GOSH, LOOK! IT'S JOHN BARROWMAN!

ALL
WHERE?

While they're all LOOKING AROUND the BAT ESCAPES.

NARDIL
I didn't like him, he was a real meanie.

DOCTOR
Don't be prejudiced. His cousin might be the blue bird of happiness, and that's one hell of a bird. Doctor Manhattan size.

MISSY
I don't want to be the one to advance the plot, I really don't, but time at the other end of the ship is running 128,000 times faster than it is here, so you'd better rescue your new puppy before she becomes Old Yeller.

DOCTOR
I'll sonic up a flashback to buy us some time.



FLASHBACK TO:

INT. UNIVERSITY KITCHEN

BILL and the DOCTOR and NARDIL are here. BILL is COOKING UP A STORM.

BILL
You want to use me as your test subject to find out if Missy can be good? She makes Hannibal Lecter look like Mr Rogers.

DOCTOR
You tell that to the parents of your bacon sarnie.

BILL
I eat Quorn.

DOCTOR
I performed a handfasting for the Quorn. They fancied me.

BILL
Promise I won't die.

DOCTOR
I promise I won't die.

BILL
Okay. Why are you so hot on saving her, anyway?

DOCTOR
(weeping openly)
She's the only person that I've ever met who's even remotely like me.

NARDIL
What are you talking about? She's exactly like the Rani, only on meth.

DOCTOR
My point. It's why I keep needing new teeth. —Aren't you finished cooking?!

END FLASHBACK.


CUT TO:

INT. OPERATING ROOM.

BILL is here. SHE STARES UP AT THE O/R LIGHTS. VFX: WIBBLY-WOBBLY ANESTHESIA STUFF.
A MASKED FACE LOOMS INTO VIEW.

DR GOTTREICH MENGELE
Welcome to Kingdom Hospital! Please enjoy your stay while you can. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. See you next Wednesday!


DISSOLVE TO:
INT. RECOVERY ROOM.

BILL is here with lots of TOTALLY BANDAGED FIGURES. They all have two BOTTLES, one marked IN and one marked OUT. The IN ones are EMPTY and the OUT ones are FULL.
A COMPLETELY ROUND NURSE ROLLS IN and SWAPS ALL THE BOTTLES.

JOSEPH HELLER
I saw that!

NURSE
Tonight's film will be JOHNNY GOT HIS GUN.

The PATIENTS all begin frantically thumbing their DIGITAL VOICE MODULES.

PATIENTS
NOT. AGAIN. NOT. AGAIN. NOT. AGAIN. NOT. AGAIN.

NURSE
Oh hush. —Master Zirro! Oh Master Zirro!

SHE PEELS MR RAZOR OFF HER BACK.

MR RAZOR
Plz, calla me-a Mister Razor.

NURSE
Oh, what a funny accent you have. Now, roll me to the next ward.

MR RAZOR
Yes, Nurse Ratchet.

MR RAZOR WINKS AT BILL and ROLLS NURSE RATCHET AWAY.

BILL
I've got to get out of here...I've got to get out of here...

A MESSIANICALLY BACKLIT FIGURE APPEARS.

DR RUMACK
Calm down, get ahold of yourself!

He SLAPS her.

DOCTOR
Oi, push off, you!

HE PUSHES DR RUMACK OFFSCREEN.

BILL
Doctor! You've got to save me!

DOCTOR
Calm down, get ahold of yourself!

He SLAPS her and disappears.

BILL
I guess I'll wait?

GRAMS: MEDLEY of "Time" from INCEPTION and "Mountains" from INTERSTELLAR.

BILL
The Doctor's a messianic figure, the women are marginalized, abused and mocked — I swear, it's like we're recapitulating the RTD era.

Suddenly a HAND grabs BILL'S ANKLE from under the BED.

BILL
AAAAAAAAAAAA

MR RAZOR
Boo! Woulda you like a cup of teeeeea?

BILL
Who the smeg are you?

MR RAZOR
I am-a your serrrrvant!

BILL
What the smeg are you lot doing to all these people?

MR RAZOR
Curing them!

BILL
Like ham?

MR RAZOR
Smart girl! Come! I give-a you tea and-a cakes and false sense of security.

He TAKES HER BY THE HAND and leads her OUT OF THE ROOM and DOWN THE HALL past a sign reading GARDEN PATH.

BILL
What's this in my chest, keeping me alive? An artificial heart?

MR RAZOR
Engine from 1958 Plymouth Fury. Is good, yes? Chromed pipes!

BILL
Stylish.

THEY ENTER EMILIO LIZARDO'S ROOM at the TRENTON HOME FOR THE CRIMINALLY INSANE. The TV set currently shows a live feed from the BRIDGE.

BILL
Oh, look, a live feed from the bridge.

MR RAZOR
You-a wanna explanation of why-a live picture is-a not moving?

BILL
Nah. I've been reading advanced physics with the Doctor there for more than a year, I wrote him a paper on gravitational time dilation. Come to think of it, that was the last paper I wrote for him.

MR RAZOR
Did-a you get a first?

BILL
67%...uh-oh.

FLASHBACK:

DOCTOR
You ever get less than a first, then it's over.

END FLASHBACK.

BILL
Smeg! And I paid cash in advance!

MR RAZOR
Is okay, he sling you out on-a your can, you live-a with me now. You mop-a floors, change oil cans on patients going through horrible medical experimentation.

BILL
What's the pay?

MR RAZOR
You no-a go through horrible medical experimentation.

BILL
Deal. Why's everyone getting horrible medical experimentation?

MR RAZOR
I see-a why you no get-a first. Ship pulling apart in gravity gradient. Is-a dump us all into space unprotected. We-a must-a undergo Kintobor process to survive.

BILL
What about the escape pods?

MR RAZOR
All pop off, go down the hoooole. Get nasty letter from Omega, little man live in black hole, bounce off head.

BILL
Okay. But my friend the Doctor's got a ship on the bridge that can rescue us all.

MR RAZOR
Nonono. Is-a too dangerous, go to bridge. Lurking grues in turbolift shafts.

BILL
But you just went and got me from the bridge.

MR RAZOR
Reeeeeeally needed new assistant janitor. Everybody else too sick from engine fumes.

BILL
Well...

MR RAZOR
After Kintobor process we all have-a rocket feet like Astro Boy.

BILL
Who?

MR RAZOR
Iron Man.

BILL
COOL!


CUT TO:

INT. TURBOLIFT.

GRAMS: "The Girl From Ipanema"

NARDIL
Why are we taking the turbolift?

DOCTOR
This close to a black hole, we'd never be able to pilot the TARDIS accurately.

NARDIL
Why not pilot it back in time and land on the ship before it reaches the black hole?

DOCTOR
You should have said that BEFORE we got on the turbolift. Time passes faster the further we go. By the time we got back to the TARDIS it would be too late.

MISSY
No it wouldn't, there'd still be plenty of time, it's the whole point of time travel.

THE TURBOLIFT ARRIVES AT ITS FINAL DESTINATION.

NARDOLE
So what time IS it?

MISSY
I'd say too late.

DOCTOR
(staring into camera in shock)
Great Scott! A MONDASIAN CYBERMAN!
(to the vast majority of the audience)
Google it.

REVERSE ANGLE:
BILL and MR RAZOR are WAITING FOR THEM. BILL HAS GOTTEN THE FULL CONVERSION SPECIAL.

BILL
I. WAITED. FOR. YOUUUUUU.

DOCTOR
Well it's hard to see how my day can get any worse.

MISSY
Oh, it's always all about you.

MR RAZOR
Did you say your day can't get worse? Surprise!

MR RAZOR RIPS HIS OWN FACE OFF.

MR RAZOR
...AAAIIIEEEGH!!!!

NARDIL
The Red Skull! Where's Captain America?

MR RAZOR
...fsckingkragle...

DOCTOR
You do look strangely familiar with those bulgy eyes set in a bare skull but I can't place you.

MISSY
Let me help with that.

SHE SONIC UMBRELLAS MR RAZOR'S FACE BACK ON.
IN A SHOCKING TWIST, MR RAZOR IS — JOHN SIMM!

MISSY
What a REVELATION!

NARDIL
Of the bollocks.

JOHN SIMM
Give us a kiss.

MISSY
I've been waiting all my lives for this!

SHE SUCKS HIS FACE OFF.

JOHN SIMM
AAAIIIEEEGH!!!!

MISSY
Oopsie...

DOCTOR
Nardil, fetch the Sellotape.


BLACKOUT.
TITLES: NEXT TIME

MASTER
At last, I've broken you, Doc-tor! I've gone too far!! You'll never forgive me this!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

DOCTOR
Bill, listen carefully. Open that fob watch you've had since always.

MASTER
...Smeg.