from the department of whooey

[mr_squiddle]

INT. ROSE TYLER'S FLAT - DAY

The ALARM CLOCK goes off. It is 7:30 AM.

ROSE
I'm just a small town girl on a Saturday night, looking for the—

ROSE'S MUM
You're a South London girl and you're late for work at the department store.

ROSE
My baby takes the morning train—

ROSE'S MUM
You take the bus! Get out!

MONTAGE: Rose goes to work. It is CONTEMPORARY.

ROSE
I'm so relatable!


CUT TO:
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE — NIGHT

V/O: The store will be closing in five minutes! Please, please, PLEASE bring all your purchases to the checkout for a change or be eaten by a lurking grue.

ROSE prepares to LEAVE but is stopped by a GUARD with a PLASTIC BAG FULL OF DOSH.

ROSE
Oh, no, is it my turn to carry the drug money?

It IS. She takes the CASH down to the CELLAR and its old MADAME TUSSAUD'S collection of members of KRAFTWERK.

KRAFTWERK
We are showroom dummies.

ROSE pounds on a door labeled WILSON.

ROSE
Wilson! Wilson, I've got the drug money! ...Wait, what's this?

She BENDS DOWN and picks up a MELTED FOOTBALL.

ROSE
WILSON NOOOOOOOO

The members of KRAFTWERK ATTACK!

SFX: Boing Boom Tschak!

TITLES: DOCTOR WHO — RUSE

INT. DARKENED HALLWAY

ROSE is being molested by plastic replicas of KRAFTWERK.

KRAFTWERK
You're a model and you're looking good. We'd like to take you home, that's understood.

ROSE
Sexual harrassment!

VOICE
(off)
You don't know the half of it.

ROSE is saved by a pair of JEANS and a LEATHER JACKET wrapped around CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON.

ECCLESTON
(removing a PLASTIC ARM whose HAND has grabbed onto his BUM)
I am NOT returning for the fiftieth. As I wish someone had told me before I signed the contract: RUN!

They RUN into a SERVICE LIFT pursued by KRAFTWERK.

KRAFTWERK
We are the robots.

ECCLESTON
Actually a plastic lifeform! And that's my vinyl answer.


CUT TO:
INT. SERVICE LIFT

The PLASTIC HAND of the PLASTIC ARM does a V sign at ROSE before going INERT.

ROSE
This is a Hogwarts thing, innit.

ECCLESCAKE
That makes sense. Well done.

ROSE
Ta. Where are we going?

ECCLESCAKE
The roof, so I can blow up the control mechanism for those semiautonomous living plastic creatures and save what remaining human lives I can at the risk of me own, although of course if I died it'd be technical suicide.

ROSE
If the control mechanism's on the roof, why are you down here?

ECCLESCAKE
I'll put it like this. What's your name and telephone number?

ROSE
Rose Tyler, 226 7709.

The DOORS open on the LOBBY.

DOCTOR
That's why. Nice to meet you, Rome Trelundar. I'm the Doctor. Run for your life!

ROSE runs through the LOBBY and out the DOORS.
HALF A CITY BLOCK EXPLODES IN A BALL OF GREEN FLAME!


DISSOLVE TO: Half a city block exploding in a ball of green flame ON THE TELLY.

PULL BACK TO:
INT. ROSE'S FLAT - NIGHT

AUNTY BEEB
The whole of Central London has been closed off as a result of an enormous devastating explosion. With no information as to the cause as yet available, we blame Jeremy Corbyn.

ROSE and her MUM JACKIE are on the SOFA in front of the TELLY. MUM JACKIE is on the TELEPHONE.

JACKIE
I know. It's on the telly. It's everywhere. She's lucky to be alive. Honestly, it's aged her. Skin like an old bible. Walking in now you'd think I was her daughter. Would you like my address? —Hello? Hello?

ROSE
Mum, was that another obscene caller?

JACKIE
They're never willing to commit!

The FLAT DOOR OPENS and in STROLLS MICKEY THE ACTING BOYFRIEND.

MICKEY
Rose, your voice mail box is full.

ROSE
Yeah, it's all this drunk bloke who keeps phoning up crying and asking for Fred.

MICKEY
Want to go down the pub?

JACKIE
I'd love to go down in the pub.

MICKEY
You're a disgusting old baggage, Jackie Tyler, and fat.

PAN TO RUSSELL T DAVIES standing in the CORNER. He gives a little WAVE.

MICKEY
And I'm talking to your daughter. Pub?

ROSE
No, I want to eat beans on toast and drink tea and read the DAILY MAIL.

JACKIE
Ooh, I'd love a daily male.

PAN TO RUSSELL T DAVIES standing in the CORNER. He gives a little WAVE.

MICKEY
Say, Rose, is that a plastic replica of Wolfgang Flur's arm in your hand or are you just apathetic to see me?

ROSE holds up the ARM. It makes a V SIGN for the SECOND TIME.

ROSE
I think it's Florian Schneider.

CUTAWAY: DAVID BOWIE watching DOCTOR WHO. He FACEPALMS.
END CUTAWAY.

ROSE
Also, it's evidence, would you mind disposing of it for me?

MICKEY
Sure thing.

JACKIE
Ooh, I wanted it!

MICKEY pitches the ARM through an open WINDOW. It lands in a RECYCLING TIP, reaches up and CLOSES the LID AFTER ITSELF.

MICKEY
There's a thing.

ROSE, MICKEY and JACKIE look at the CAMERA and SNAP THEIR FINGERS TWICE.

BLACKOUT.


CUT TO:
INT. ROSE TYLER'S FLAT - DAY

The ALARM CLOCK goes off. It is 7:30 AM.

ROSE
I'm just a small town girl on a Saturday night, looking for—

JACKIE
A new job! Or you could go on the dole, like all these furriners comin' over 'ere to take our jobs and go on the dole. We should exit the E.U., I can tell you, I'm right tired of gettin' my dialysis from those people.

PAN TO RUSSELL T DAVIES standing in the CORNER. He holds up a card reading DEFT CHARACTERIZATION - YOUR CLUE TO QUALITY LITERATURE!

JACKIE
Oh, and there's a man at the cat flap for you. I hoped he was for me, but you know how it goes.


CUT TO:
INT. ROSE'S LIVING AREA - DAY

The DOCTOR is here with his HEAD stuck in the CAT FLAP in the DOOR.

DOCTOR
I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. The horror! The horror!

ROSE
What're you doing here?

DOCTOR
I tracked a living plastic emission to a recycling tip outside and then decided to pop my head in, say hello. Hello!

ROSE
Right.

DOCTOR
Said Fred! Give us a cuppa! Also, how do you feel about flying away into space in your nightie?

ROSE DUMPS THE KETTLE ON HIM.

DOCTOR
Refreshing!

JACKIE enters the room.

JACKIE
Oooh, a hot, wet man on my floor. The things we could get up to, or more accurately down to. Is that your nose, or are you just happy to see me again?

DOCTOR
I am NOT COMING BACK to this show EVER.

PAN TO RUSSELL T DAVIES standing in the CORNER. He holds up a VALID CONTRACT.

DOCTOR
After my time is up. —YEEK!

ROSE
What's wrong?

DOCTOR
The arm came back!

JACKIE
Want me to grab your sonic screwdriver?

RUSSELL T DAVIES
No reading ahead!

THE DOCTOR'S HEAD pops through the CAT FLAP back into the HALLWAY. After a BEAT he comes through the FLAT DOOR. He is SMILING BROADLY.

DOCTOR
It's called a rictus.

JACKIE
Oo-er.

ROSE
Where's the arm? Is it gone?

DOCTOR
(tightly)
Sort of. Where's your toilet?!

ROSE POINTS OFFSCREEN. The DOCTOR EXITS awkwardly.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. TYLER KITCHENETTE - DAY
CAPTION: TWO HOURS LATER

The DOCTOR is kneeling on a CHAIR hunched over a CUPPA.

ROSE
Three speeds, really?

DOCTOR
(weeping silently)
I am NOT COMING BACK to this show EVER. You lot, you get to eat chips, go to bed, and watch telly EVERY DAY. All I ever get is Tristan Farnon'ed by telepathically controlled—

RTD
Watershed!

ROSE
Could I have the premise of this show now please?

DOCTOR
You ever feel like you're clinging to the skin of the world and you'll go flying off if you let go?

ROSE
All the time.

PAN TO RUSSELL T DAVIES standing in the CORNER. He holds up a card reading SOULMATES!!!

DOCTOR
Really?

ROSE
No.

DOCTOR
Well, I'm off. Forget me, Rose Tyler!

ROSE
(startled by a strange man suddenly at her table)
Ahh! Who the smeg are you?!

DOCTOR
Eh? I introduced myself last night! Oh wait, whoops, I forgot I left my hypnosis on. Well, never mind! Pleased to meet you, Rose Tyler, I'm the Doctor. Fly me! Bye!

THE DOCTOR LEAVES THE ROOM. There is a VWORPING noise from the TOILET, but when ROSE goes to check, the ROOM is EMPTY.


CUT TO:
INT. MICKEY'S APARTMENT - DAY

ROSE BARGES IN.

ROSE
Have you got THE INTERNET?

MICKEY
Only a complete collector's set of every AOL install disc ever!

They SEARCH...THE INTERNET.

MICKEY
How about this?

The COMPU-SCREEN shows a listing of USENET GROUPS.

alt.sex.binaries.the-master
alt.sex.binaries.the-master.oiled.yum.yum.yum
alt.the-doctor.avoid.avoid.avoid
alt.the-doctor.fscking-useless
alt.the-doctor.killed-kennedy
alt.the-doctor.killed-kennedy.it.was.a.mercy.killing
rec.arts.drwho
rec.arts.drwho.unbound
rec.arts.drwho.unzipped

MICKEY
Oi! Someone's been using my computer...

PAN TO RUSSELL T DAVIES standing in the CORNER. He gives a little WAVE.

ROSE
(pointing at the screen)
Let's try that one.


CLOCKWISE WIPE TO:
EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - DAY

MICKEY and ROSE drive up in a YELLOW VOLKSWAGEN. They GET OUT and start WALKING to the HOUSE DOOR. MICKEY is EATEN by a PLASTIC RECYCLING BIN while ROSE CONTINUES TO THE DOOR AND KNOCKS.

The DOOR is ANSWERED by a PAVING BLOCK in an AUTOMATED WHEELCHAIR.
GRAMS: "See My Baby Jive" by Wizzard.


ROSE
Hello...Ursula? We emailed you about the Doctor.

URSULA
Elton! The fresh meat have arrived!


CUT TO:
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - DAY

ELTON and URSULA are hosting ROSE. The TELEVISION is burbling in the BACKGROUND.
ROSE is sitting on a COUCH in front of a WINDOW through which we can see a RECYCLING BIN rolling back and forth. MICKEY'S LEGS are sticking out of it WAVING WILDLY.

ROSE is holding a CUP OF COLD TEA looking APPALLED.

ROSE
But that's horrid!

URSULA
Oh, it's not so bad. I've got quite the profitable OnlyFans.

ELTON
Russell Davies said once, he said, salvation and damnation are the same thing. And I never knew what he meant until I was sent this amazing blue puzzle box. What sights it has shown us! It gave us experiences we'll never forget!

ROSE
So he's some kind of madman? The Doctor I mean.

URSULA
Oh, no no no. ...Yes. He makes things that get along turn out so wrong. An incompetent genius, he is, this strange combination of callous —

ELTON
— emotionally desperate —

URSULA
— overcurious yet apathetic —

ELTON
— and yet pathetic.

URSULA
And everyone's problems would stop if HE'd just stop —

ELTON
— since at this point most of the monsters he fights are of his own accidental making —

URSULA AND ELTON TOGETHER
— but he can't stop won't stop.

ELTON
Anyway, if he comes around again I suggest running. Fast. Also far. And he'll be around soon enough.

ROSE
How do you know he's coming?

ELTON
Death always is. I mean, look at that man being eaten by carnivorous recycling bins.

ROSE looks out the WINDOW. Two RECYCLING BINS are doing the SPAGHETTI SCENE from LADY AND THE TRAMP with MICKEY'S BOOTLACES.

ROSE
MICKEY!

AUNTY BEEB
We blame Jeremy Corbyn for this teatime brutality.


CUT TO:
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY.

ROSE rushes outside. A BLUE POLICE BOX is standing near the BINS. The BINS react to her APPROACH and flee off down the STREET.
The DOCTOR steps OUT of the BOX.

ROSE
(pointing)
FOLLOW THOSE BINS!

The DOCTOR points a WHIRRING OBJECT at the BINS.

DOCTOR
Target acquired.

The DOCTOR grabs ROSE and drags her into his SNOG BOX.

DOCTOR
Other target acquired!

He CLOSES the DOOR. With a VWORPing noise, THE BOX DISAPPEARS.


CUT TO:
INT. POLICE BOX - DAY

DOCTOR
I'm tracing the telepathic signal back to its source, but you probably have something to say while I do that.

ROSE
Nah, I'm good.

DOCTOR
(looking around the console room)
Er, the inside's bigger than the outside?

ROSE
Yes. This is the TARDIS. T A R D I S. That's Time And Relative Dimension In Space.

DOCTOR
It's alien!

ROSE
Yeah.

DOCTOR
I'm alien! Two hearts! Imagine! Me! Two hearts!

ROSE
Yeah. Elton told me all about it.

The DOCTOR bursts into tears.

DOCTOR
It's the only thing I have to look forward to any more. Vicarious surprise. And now I don't even have that. All I have is...is...

ROSE
Corridors and screaming death.

DOCTOR
And quarries! — So many rocks! SO MANY ROCKS!

ROSE PATS HIM ON THE BACK.

ROSE
There, there. You're not going to witter on all night? We haven't got time to spare in a 42 minute format.

DOCTOR
Nah, I'm good. Or at least I try to be, sometimes, maybe.

THE DOCTOR presses a BUTTON on the TARDIS CONSOLE. There is a DIFFERENT VWORP and a PING.

DOCTOR
Random sub-basement, Nestene Consciousness, Final Confrontation, everybody out!


CUT TO:
INT. RANDOM SUBBBASEMENT

There is a giant VAT of PLASTIC here, plus several iterations of KRAFTWERK and DEVO.
The TARDIS DOOR opens and ROSE and THE DOCTOR emerge onto a GANGWAY over the VAT.

DOCTOR
Careful, don't take the Nestene Plunge.

ROSE
The Nestene's in the vat?

DOCTOR
Living superelastic bubbleplastic hive-creature. Hang on while I give it a fair chance and then kill it to maximise my emotional pain.

THE DOCTOR steps to the RAIL on the GANGWAY.

DOCTOR
Nestene Consciousness! You have suffered since the Daleks blasted your kingdom into retroactive nothing! I have come to make you a marvelous offer!

The NESTENE CONSCIOUSNESS makes a HACKING NOISE.

DOCTOR
Sorry, what?

The NESTENE CONSCIOUSNESS coughs MICKEY up onto the GANGWAY.

DOCTOR
Oh. You had a human caught in your throat. Happens a lot around here.

ROSE
What?

DOCTOR
I AM NEVER DOING THIS SHOW AGAIN. Nestene Consciousness! I offer you, in exchange for leaving this planet, a fully paid residence in the Rancho Neutrino "Terrace" condominiums in the Nexus of Sominus! All utilities covered!

NESTENE CONSCIOUSNESS
(processed Boris the Spider voice)
Access to facilities?

DOCTOR
Even the sauna!

NESTENE CONSCIOUSNESS
(idem)
...Okay.

DOCTOR
What?

NESTENE
(idem)
Offer accepted.

The DOCTOR stays still as a ROCK.

ROSE
What's wrong?

DOCTOR
I'm not Spock, I have no experience with antagonists neither insane nor stupid.

ROSE
Better blow it up then.

DOCTOR
I have too much experience with blown-up plastic objects.

He SONICS OPEN THE TARDIS DOORS.

DOCTOR
Right! Okay, um, Nestene Consciousness, just hop up into my TARDIS — the swimming pool's empty right now. Second door to the right and straight on till morning.

NESTENE
(idem)
Gotcha.

The NESTENE CONSCIOUSNESS FLOWS UP INTO THE TARDIS and VANISHES INSIDE.

ROSE
Are we done, then?

DOCTOR
Yeah.

ROSE presses BUTTONS on her MOBILE PHONE.

ROSE
Right, we'll be off. Ready to go, Mickey? I'm calling a cab.

MICKEY
Hang about, aren't you going with him?

ROSE
No, why?

DOCTOR
Yeah, why? This box isn't just a London hopper, you know. It goes anywhere in the universe free of charge.

ROSE
I'm not bloody suicidal, that's why.

DOCTOR
...Okay. See you around. Or not.

He gets in the TARDIS, which DEMATERIALISES.

ROSE
(to Mickey)
Come on, let's go.

They are walking towards a STAIRCASE when the TARDIS REMATERIALIZES. The DOCTOR pops his HEAD OUT.

DOCTOR
I just dropped off the Nestene Consciousness.

ROSE
That was quick.

DOCTOR
Oh, didn't I mention this box also travels in time? Sure you don't fancy a hop?

ROSE
Okay, I'll step in just as soon as said box materializes over there —
(she POINTS to the LEFT)
— and my future self gets out and tells me everything will be fine.

EVERYONE LOOKS TO THE LEFT. NOTHING HAPPENS.

DOCTOR
Give it a mo', steering's not always perfect.

SFX: CRICKETS.

ROSE
Well.

DOCTOR
Aw, come on. You've got no A-levels, no job, no future. You could die screaming in your own bed, you could die screaming being devoured by alien sand while alien birds wheel in an alien sky — which sounds more fun?

MICKEY
He's got a point there.

ROSE
...Yeah, okay. Here's a fiver for the taxi, Mickey. Bye!

DOCTOR
Fantastic!

ROSE GETS IN THE TARDIS and it DISAPPEARS VWORPING. MICKEY takes a STAIRWAY EXIT leaving the shot EMPTY.

PAN TO RUSSELL T DAVIES standing in the CORNER.

RUSSELL T DAVIES
And so it begins. Muahahahahahaaaa.

A wild JACKIE TYLER appears!

JACKIE
YOU'LL DO!

She TACKLES RUSSELL T DAVIES and they ROLL OUT OF FRAME.

RTD
(off)
Aiiigh! Undone by my own deft characterisation! Unhand me, madam!


CREDITS.

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